who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
