pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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