This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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