I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
