I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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