she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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