I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I cannot find my penis.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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