I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
