It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
