I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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