I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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