There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
