I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i love accidental penises.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
