so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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