i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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