just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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