Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
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Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
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And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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