Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
