coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
