you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
