I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
