Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you made out with another girl for some wings
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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