Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
