The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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