i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
