I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
the raccoons are back...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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