There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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