Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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