I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Randomize
