thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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