He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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