If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
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