sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
