Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
