"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks