The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
