i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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