Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
