a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
