so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
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This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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