EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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