we have pet lesbian snakes
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan