I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.