the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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