I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
