The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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