You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
