you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
