I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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