non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
