I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
