Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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