best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
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he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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