ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.