I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER