I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
