Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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