New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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