My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
