My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
