Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
